finding myself (2008)

I’m finding myself at a loss for words
and the funny thing is it’s ok.
The last thing I need is to be heard,
but to hear what You would say.
Word of God speak
would you pour down like rain?
Washing my eyes to see your majesty.
To be still and know you’re in this place.
Please let me stay and rest in your holiness.

Word of God speak Mercy Me

This morning, around 3:20 I found myself lying awake in bed - praying to God that He would heal all of the issues in a friend’s mind. That He would somehow heal the hurt, calm the turmoil, provide the needed peace, and even show me a way that I could help, and then about fifteen minutes later I realized that the prayer was actually for me. I find myself in need of God’s help in all those areas, but mostly in need of Him. An overwhelming sense of peace came over me, the storm was gone, and true peace was restored. Finding myself – what a struggle sometimes! Maybe I’m the only one?

I’ve found sometimes we’ll go to great lengths to seek God - to hear a word from Him. We’ll drive miles and miles, spend dollar after dollar, and hour upon hour to hear Him through others, either spoken or written. Yet, there He is - still speaking in that still small voice right there inside of our hearts just as He did thousands of years ago. And this, you probably know even better than I do, the real tale-tale sign that it is He (and not us, or even Satan mimicking God) is that there is an absolute calmness that comes with His words – and there’s our lesson in discernment for the day - it’s that simple!

Sunday was a wonderful day, (maybe the best all year) even despite getting a $175 speeding ticket before nine o’clock in the morning. I was privileged to travel safely to Lexington, Ky. to worship God at an amazingly, awesome, and almost indescribable place, Quest Community Church. If you ever get the chance – go there. My opinion, based on the experiences I’ve had is that you probably haven’t experienced the fullness of a real worship service until you do.

Their congregation is choked full of unbelievably talented and gifted people, as I suspect your home church is as well. What’s more than interesting is that it seems that they utilize those people, those gifts to the fullest, where so often this is not the case. Pete Hise is the lead pastor, yet I haven’t been to a service there yet where he preached, or even made his way to the pulpit (which there really isn’t a traditional pulpit). This past week Sharon Clements the worship and arts pastor lead the service. The time before it was Helen Musick the “transformation” pastor led it. Different, I know – but there’s obviously a God thang working in their mist! I think sometimes, (talking to other leaders here) we forget that we’re not just shepherds, but we’re also still His sheep as well? This church is growing by leaps and bounds, 2,500- 3,000 attendees per weekend from a start of just 65 people with a vision of God’s greatness some seven years ago. That’s having faith, true faith to believe in God’s promise to bless our ministry if He is at the center-point of everything we do, and say.

Last item about Quest and then I’ll move on – Sunday I was reading about a past service which they had, where the majority of the congregation left barefooted after a “shoe offering” to God. Sounds silly? Until we consider the mindset of becoming so humble and obedient that we would put away all value that we have in our mind and heart for the material possessions which we fill our lives with – and simply be willing to leave our shoes (regardless of what brand, how new they were, or how much they cost.) Transforming into a heartfelt presence where we’re willing to pray “I give it all to you God, humble me Lord, and help me to find myself in you.” Some of you pastors out there know all too well the real possibility of a mutiny situation that this could cause at your church. Separating women from their shoes, and declaring this to be a God thing – good luck - huh!

Lately, I’ve been trying to “find myself” again in the physical realm as well. I started a weight loss program and have lost thirty-five pounds in less than three months. I need to lose a lot more, but it’s been a good start – a good turn around. Heck, no one wants to die of a heart attack at the youthful age of forty-nine, do they? But, what’s been even more interesting for me over the past few months is the spiritual awareness program that I’ve begun. I mean a serious spiritual awareness program – not as a hobby, or just in my spare time. I’ve found myself at a point where the distractions come sometimes fast and furious, and then they’re days where I feel overly protected by His grace and mercy. Just as with the fact that eating healthy food, and daily exercise is leading to the loss of inches and pounds – my regiment of reading His word, complete honesty in my prayers, and seeking advice from wise counsel is allowing me to move in a direction that I’ve only hoped for in the past, which is closer to Him. As with the weight loss – there’s still a long way to go.

“Finding myself” - it sounds tripe doesn’t it? It even sounds ungodly to say it when we’ve heard over and over that we need to lose ourselves in order to find Him. Finding myself has proven that it involves the searching out, and identifying of all areas of my life where I need to let go of my grip, and take hold of His. Thoughts, deeds, words, desires, lusts, and even “worshipping” things that isn’t of Him. Finding myself, or rather the stripping away process that my friend, Joel Engle speaks of, is an unending process. It’s neither an optional or pleasant process, but it most certainly is a life-altering journey. It’s putting ourselves in a place where we can finally accept the gift of freedom – freedom to truly worship, to praise and to serve Him who gives life, true life everlasting.

This may seem elementary to some, but what I’ve found through all of this is that our eternal existence begins the day we are conceived – not when we accept His plan for salvation, or after we get to heaven – it has already begun for each and everyone one of us, regardless of how old we are, or what sorted stories and experiences our past holds. For on this day, all that it is important is where and how we’re going to spend this single day in our own eternity. To be still and know that You are in this place. Please let me stay and rest in Your holiness. – Now, that’s the key to me finding myself!

I’m finding myself at a loss for words, and the funny thing is – it’s ok.

Word of God speak.... doug