Where have all the good dads gone?

As this journal item came to me this morning I thought I can't believe I haven't told this story to you guys before now. After reading it you'll probably wish that I still hadn't. But here goes anyway..... My dad picked up and left our family when I was around four years old. I guess being there for his wife and four kids was a little too overwhelming for him. Okay, maybe that's a bit unfair for me to say since I don't really know why he left. Whatever the reason apparently he decided he couldn't be married to my mom any longer, and we kids got caught in the middle of the mess he left behind.

The earliest thing I remember about him is hearing the news around the age of six that he had shot and killed his second wife and the guy that he found her in bed with. I'm not sure I really had a full understanding as to what that meant, but I knew it wasn't a good thing. Vaguely I remember at some point in my youth overhearing grown ups discussing the fact that he was being held in the Ohio State Penitentiary on two counts of manslaughter. Again, I didn't rightly know what those charges meant from a legal standpoint but I figured he probably wouldn't be coming back home anytime soon.

Somehow my oldest sister got in touch with him after he was released (about the time I turned seventeen or so) and they had a birthday party for him at her apartment. I remember going over to my sister's that day but I can't tell you what we said to each other. It seems to me that it was, if nothing else, cordial. This is the only memory I have of spending any time with my father – about thirty minutes. I remember thinking he looked a lot different that I had envisioned. Every now and then I find myself thinking about how I've grown up to look like him in some ways.

He's still alive and resides just a few states away. I have his phone number and address but I've never written or called. Why? Honestly, I don't think I really know the answer to that question. I don't believe it's out of any amount of hatred, pain, or disgust – which I truly don't feel toward him anyway. I think it's simply because of the distance that has developed between us, if that makes any sense.

Over the years I've wondered if there is somehow deep down inside me a level of jealousy and anger that could cause me to shoot and kill another human being. I worried at one point if I had somehow been born with a sort of weird psychotic gene that could trigger some kind of outrageous behavior if I allowed myself to get out of control. So far I've never been guilty of any "crimes of passion." Nor have I allowed myself to fall into the trap of seeing myself as a helpless victim of a broken family. The truth is, all families are broken in one way or another, some you just have to dig a little deeper to see the break. For me though, I've never dwelt on how my life could've been better if I had had a father around, or how tough it was becuase he wasn't. I try to simply move forward while trying to learn all I can from my past.

I don't share all of this with you in order to strike up some sort of outpouring of pity – not at all. I wrote this because as I was thinking about the meaning of our celebration of Father's Day today I found myself wondering where have all the good dads gone? I know where my dad went, but as sad as it is to say, so many children grow up never knowing the answer to that question. Maybe you're one of those kids all grown up now. On a personal level the reality is that even more sadly is the self-admission maybe my own kids have rightfully asked the same question over the years.

Christian artist, Joel Engle sings a song (that I've loved for several years now) entitled The Father I never had that originated from the following experiences in his life (which I'm borrowing today from http://www.worshipsource.com/ website.

As a young boy growing up in San Francisco, Joel Engle never knew his father. Joel’s mother raised him as best she knew how, managing to provide by working a nine to five job at an oil company. Tragedy struck when Joel found his mother lying on the kitchen floor after suffering a stroke and was the one to call 911. Soon after she passed away leaving an eleven year old Joel in the care of his elderly grandparents. Just three years later there was even more upheaval when Joel’s grandfather passed away and his grandmother went to live in a retirement home. “Life was basically miserable and I was constantly afraid,” reflects Joel. “I was consumed with thoughts of what was going to happen to me. I felt alone, unloved, and unhappy.” At the age of fourteen, there was no other option for a distraught Joel but to check himself into the local Baptist Children’s Home.

While living at the children’s home, one thing that was consistent was Joel’s involvement in a youth choir at church as well as choir at school. “I loved music more than any other activity,” says Joel. “When I sang something inside me came alive and I could express myself in such a powerful way. I also had a burning desire to write songs and began taking piano lessons from a lady at church, but was absolutely horrible and I hated it.”

At the age of 16, Joel met some close friends of his house parents by the name of Dale and Nadine Engle. A bond was formed and soon after, he ended up not only moving in to live with them, but also became part of the family by taking their last name as his. It was a landmark year for Joel, including his realization that Christ was the only one that would never leave him. From then on with his hope firmly planted, there was no looking back.

Joel Engle is an amazing singer, songwriter, and worship leader who lives in Texas nowadays. If you're not familiar with his music you should check him out. He was one of the eight people that I emailed my original journal entry a few years back because of the impact his music and testimony has had on my life. I find that I can somehow relate to the depth of his songs in a very personal way.

You see, it's actually hard for me to be too critical of my father as to how or what he did with his life - for I haven't been much better a dad myself. No, I didn't get locked away in prison for the majority of my kid's youth, but I do feel like I abandoned them to some degree. Even though I got custody of my son somewhere between the time he was 16-18 months old and I had great intentions as to how I would raise him - we began a journey together struggling to deal with the results of my terrible choices in relationships for the next couple of decades. Who knows if he was really better off with me than with a mother who didn't want him around.

I spent a great deal of his youth in a career that required me to travel away from home quite a bit. My son was left to be cared for by someone else week in and week out as I gave him little time or attention. Don't get me wrong, I truly appreciate the way several of the women of my past tried to love him and care for him, but it wasn't the same as if I had been there as I should have. I usually was left to deal with the “issues” when I was around for the weekends. Whether they be school issues, behavioral issues, drug issues, etc.... what he got from me, more than anything else was the less-than-positive side of fatherhood. Unfortunately, my daughter got neither the good or the negative dad – she simply got money but no dad. She and her mom always lived in a town other than where we lived so I had even less time for her in life.

The hard truth is that this wasn't a mere matter of circumstances, yet it was simply a result of the bad choices I made over and over and over. I'm spending Father's Day this year like so many before – wishing that I could go back in time and change the decisions I made in who and what I decided to be in the lives of my children. I figure there was probably a night or two that my dad laid awake in his prison cell wishing he could go back and change some of the decisions he had made also, so in a way I guess I did turn out to be like my old man afterall.

One thing I know now that I wish I knew way back when, is that God the Father has given us every example of what a loving, and caring father should look like. His Word is chocked full of story after story about a father's love, discipline, sacrifice, leadership, toughness, providing, perseverance, and desire for the best for each of His children. What better self-help book for us father's could any man write? He wrote the original Fatherhood for Dummies yet so many of us never bother to crack open the pages to see what it says to us. Shame on us!

As easy as it is for some of us (insert – me) to beat ourselves up over our past mistakes, or more often than not to beat others up for their mistakes God is even more willing to forgive us and show us how much better a mom, dad, brother, sister, son, or daughter we can be with the time and opportunities we have here in the present. The biggest regrets I have for what I did or didn't do in the lives of my kids is completely overshadowed by how much God has done for me in my own life. So many carry ill feelings toward their mom or dad for far too long, when we should appreicate them for the positives they've added toour lives. I am so blessed to say that any hurt or sense of emptiness I may have had because of the absence of my dad has been replaced with the security of knowing my Heavenly father is always with me – even to the ends of the earth.

I was reminded this morning of a very important truth about fatherhood that I admit at times I've failed to see as being the important truth that it is. I've come to realize that my friend Joel Engle obviously found this to be his source of comfort at an early age. It comes from the words of David;

Psalm 27:10:
Even if my father and mother abandon me, the Lord will hold me close.

Let me suggest this, if you feel abandoned, if you feel left out or cheated out of having a loving father, if you woke up this morning asking the question, “Where did all the good dads go?” – just know this, you're not alone. Unfortunately there are many of us that have felt the same way at times in our lives as well.

The good news of today is that there is hope for your situation. There is a cure for this much too common form of disease. For some of us, we have found that God the Father can fill any and all voids or missing parts of our lives, if we simply let Him. He stands in the gap of our needs and awaits our love and praise in return for all that He has already given us. Do you need a hug from Dad today? Go ahead, grab onto Him with all your might, rest in the warmth of His loving arms for a while. It'll feel oh so good - this I know!

Hey, who knows maybe today on this most special of all Father's Day it may finally be the right time for me to simply pick up the phone and call my daddy. Pray for me, as I will for you..... Doug